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Cartoons by Mike Shelton

Quote of the Day

“The Democrats have no idea what they stand for, the Republicans only remember what they stood for.” —Peggy Noonan

San Francisco Mayor’s Faux Pas

“SAN FRANCISCO - Mayor Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday for having a sexual relationship with his former campaign manager’s wife.
“I’m deeply sorry,” Newsom said during a brief news conference at City Hall the day after the aide resigned. Newsom appeared poised but visibly emotional. He spoke for about a minute and left without taking questions.”

Let me get this straight, so to speak. The mayor of the gayest city this side of Sodom had a sexual relationship with a person of the opposite sex! I am shocked, shocked I tell you!

There is little wonder that the community is up in arms over this travesty.

Bruce Lightloafer, chairperson of the Committee to Limit Heterosexual Behavior said, “This is perhaps the most disgusting example of debauchery in the history of this really fab city. It really makes me sick to my tum-tum.”

“My mothers told me about this type of behavior, but I was skeptical. Now I know that some people have no morals”, said lesbian Billy Joe Butcher.

My sources intimate…er, tell me that a campaign to remove Mayor Newsom from office is in the works.

Ain’t No Sunshine When You’re Gone

Super Bowl XLI is only hours away. It is designated in Roman numerals because that is not only pretentious and impressive, but the game itself is based on an ancient Roman pastime that we now call “War”. This why generally the game is loved predominantly by men. We revere armed conflict between adversaries.

We love war so much that we actually (I’m not making this up) volunteer to risk life and limb to protect our homeland and the citizens therein. And herein lies the rub.

Take Football (I believe the word is sacred, and should always be capitalized) away from us, and what outlet for our innately aggressive nature is left? After Football season the alleged “sport” of golf comes into full swing (get it?). These guys and ladies don’t even tote their own equipment, for chrissakes!

Then there’s tennis. I like to watch Sharapova, but think her grunts should be reserved for more appropriate occasions, exclusively with me.

Basketball is okay, but guys in shorts and sometime tights running back and forth from one incessant foul to the other seems to be better suited to the Richard Simmons crowd.

Hockey is cool, but my old eyes can’t discern a score until the replay slows the action down to a crawl.

That pretty much leaves baseball, another sport I love. But even baseball has shortcomings. I’m a Phillies fan…believe me, I know emptiness and heartache.

So Football will soon be gone for a very long time. Yes, I know that life will go on. But the proverbial glass will no longer be full. Stupid metaphors will no longer abound. Men will have to focus on actual reality (as opposed to imagined reality).

After Adam Vinatieri kicks that winning 47 yard field goal with 3 seconds left in the game, and the Colts become the Super Bowl Champions, life will lose a little luster, men will noticeably cut down on beer consumption, and pigeons will no more twitter in the trees.

But on the bright side…no, there is no bright side.

The Heroes of Herouxville

“Kudos to the mayor and six city counselors of Herouxville, a small community northeast of Montreal. Fed up with the demands of immigrants that the city change its values to accommodate them -- can you guess the religion of these demanding immigrants? -- the city has published a set of standards that is, well, priceless:

We would especially like to inform the new arrivals that the lifestyle they left behind in their birth country cannot be brought here with them and they would have to adapt to their new social identity...

We consider that men and women are of the same value. Having said this, we consider that a woman can: drive a car, vote, sign checks, dance, decide for herself, speak her peace, dress as she sees fit respecting of course the democratic decency, walk alone in public places, study, have a job, have her own belongings and anything else that a man can do.”

Read the rest.

Super Bowl Myths

“Super Bowl legends are forged on the first Sunday in February.

Super Bowl lies? Well, they’re breathlessly told in the days leading up to the main event — a fishy blitz of football fibs and big-bucks blarney that gets recited and rehashed like corny campfire fables.

You’ve heard them. You’ve believed them. Heck, you’ve probably even repeated them.”

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Barbaro Euthanized

Welcome Dr. Sanity readers!

The horse that won the 2006 Kentucky Derby was put down after suffering complications from a broken leg incurred in the first few yards of the Preakness Stakes.

What is lost in the sadness we all feel, not as individuals, but as a collective conscious, is that George Bush and his anti-Kyoto minions are responsible for this great American tragedy. Think about it! Temperatures have risen 8 degrees Celsius since Bush took office. It now rains heavily in places as diverse as Seattle, Washington and Orlando, Florida. Does “Seattle Slew” ring a bell? Coincidence? That's what fascist conservatives would have you believe.

So here we have the trail of complicity. Warmer weather is precursor to a rain event. Rain causes regular dirt to turn into mud. Mud leads to foot (or hoof) slippage. Falling down while running in mud invites broken extremities.

How many more must die at the hands of this uncaring, lying, self-serving President and his corrupt Animal Husbandry Unit at the Department of Agriculture?

We must speak Truth to Power and recognize that this Administration is responsible for a myriad of unjust and messed (edited) up mess (edited) ups.

Federer takes Aussie Open

Another “Yawn” for another non-sport

Tiger Wins….Again!

Tiger Woods wins Buick Invitational.

Yawn

The Difference Between Man and Woman

Courtesy of Cliff Pickover

Hat tip: Dr. Sanity

On This Date

Forty years ago today tragedy struck the United States and NASA.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

This is my result. Check out yours.

You Sometimes Hold a Grudge

You aren't exactly vengeful, but you're not going to forget when someone wrongs you. And while you'll forgive the small things, you don't hand out too many second chances to people who really screw up.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

When?

When will we grow a pair and kill these bastards who are killing us? Don’t give me that bullcrap that the vast majority of Muslims are a peace-loving people. If they truly were, there would not be tacit approval of their murderous thuggery. This Satanic "religion" needs to be eliminated from the face of this planet!


“In perhaps the boldest and most sophisticated attack in four years of warfare, four U.S. soldiers later found dead were first abducted from a compound by militants speaking English, wearing U.S. uniforms and carrying American weapons — and did not die at the compound as the military first reported.”

Hannity and Colmes

The “Hannity and Colmes” show without Hannity is just not good. Chuck Norris subbed for Sean tonight and it was quite forgettable at best.

I’ll wager that Jack Bauer could kick the snot out of any character Chuck Norris ever played. And this is saying something as I am the last conservative on earth who has never watched “24”.

The only satisfaction I had from watching the broadcast this evening was when Mr. Norris endorsed Newt Gingrich for the Presidency.

(These are my thoughts only and are by no means necessarily reflective of my staff.)

Public Opinion: Experts vs Vox Populi

“Relying too heavily on opinion polls or elections is a short road to disaster when the government must determine critical policies that involve intricate financial knowledge, broad knowledge of history, economics, and foreign affairs. The general populace can be too easily misled by propaganda and ignorance of the subject.”

Excellent short history of America here.

Your Love Type

Your Love Type: ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller In love, you are committed, loyal, and dedicated to making things work.For you, sex is purely physical - not necessarily linked with love. Overall, you are honorable, a good listener, and able to take criticism well.However, you tend to also be stubborn and out of tune with your partner's feelings. Best matches: ESFP and ESTP

What's" Your Love Type?

Basically, I guess, I’m a loyal jerk. Take the test.

News You Can Use

N.J. Warns: Don't Eat Squirrel Near Dump

“New Jersey has warned squirrel hunters near a toxic waste dump about consuming the critters because they could be contaminated with lead.

It is the first time the state has cautioned Ringwood residents – many who are members of the Ramapough Mountain Indian tribe who hunt and fish in the area – about their squirrel intake, said Tom Slater, a spokesman for the Department of Health and Senior Services.

A lead-contaminated squirrel was found in the area two months ago, prompting the agency, along with the state Department of Environmental Protection, to send out letters advising that adults eat squirrel no more than twice a week and even less for children and pregnant women.”

We assume, judging by the headline, that eating squirrels some distance from the dump is perfectly fine.

Read the article.

Oh, the Humanity!

“TIJUANA, Mexico - The police department has issued about 60 slingshots to officers in the violent border city of Tijuana, where soldiers confiscated police weapons two weeks ago on allegations of collusion with drug traffickers.”

City officials are also considering spit balls and stink bombs for law enforcement, but banning harsh language aimed at Glock and AK-47 wielding drug dealears.

Entire article.


Update:

“Tijuana Public Safety Secretary Luis Javier Algorri said Saturday that the authorities returned all 2,130 guns to his department.”

More

Dem Presidential Hopefuls Tour New Orleans

Katie Couric's Case of the Blues

“CBS news anchor Katie Couric, invited to a briefing at the White House, complained about being the only journalist in attendance "wearing a skirt." Her colleagues included ABC's Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos; NBC's Brian Williams and Tim Russert; CBS's Bob Schieffer; CNN's Wolf Blitzer; and FOX's Brit Hume.

Presumably, Couric's complaint concerned her status as the lone female in that room, rather than the restrictive dress code. Few viewers, I suspect, wish to see Tim Russert in a tutu or Brit Hume sporting a bra.”

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